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Saturday, May 13, 2006


What If The Spanish Inquisition Had Been Run By Total Fags?

Victor Davis Hanson has discovered a daring new method of historical analysis. It may draw on common methodologies (e.g., Making Shit Up; Saying Really, Really Stupid Things; and Being A Scaife-Funded Douchebag), but the end result is pure Hanson.

In order to show by analogy how treasonous today's media are, he's concocted a chilling op-ed piece written against the Allies, and dated May 21, 1945. Here's an excerpt:
After the release of The True Story of the B-17 Slaughter, Gary Cooper thankfully came forward to remind us how President Roosevelt took us into a British war that we were utterly unprepared for. Next look for Coop’s recently completed and powerful American Gestapo this fall. Likewise, Jimmy Stewart remarked from the front lines above Germany (so unlike our president, who failed to serve in any of America’s past wars) that it is hard to know who the real enemy is after we have bombed the children of Hamburg. And Clark Gable is currently preparing a documentary on the Pacific theater, 12/7, that outlines the racist nature of that campaign that seeks the extermination of all the living Japanese we encounter.
Remember, folks, this is May of 1945. We're just about to nuke the goddamn Japs, and the media want FDR to throw in the towel. Who can fail to see the eerie parallels with George W. Bush's current woes?

And it's true: You can't imagine anyone saying this stuff during WWII (save for Charles Lindbergh, the Bund, and a bunch of powerful right-wing industrialists and politicians). Which shows how much we've devolved since then.

Another, much funnier sign of that devolution is that Hanson has neglected to note a vital detail: "Mr. Roosevelt, in whose hands our collective fate lies," died on April 12, 1945...over a month before the date of Hanson's op-ed piece.

But hell, Edison didn't get the gramophone right the first time either. Why harp on Hanson's errors? I admire his method, and I'm keen to give it a whirl. Accordingly, I thought I'd see if I could use it to explain why, all things considered, the Spanish Inquisition could've been a hell of a lot worse. Here goes nothing:
In 1478, under the aegis of queer co-monarchs Ferdinand and Benjy of Castile, a prancing, shrieking gaggle of flamboyantly gay inquisitors went forth to seek out and destroy the "heresy" of heterosexual love. At the same time, a number of gay-ass laws were passed stating that none but homosexuals could hold positions of authority, and that henceforth, property rights would be restricted to those who were queer as three-dollar bills.

In schools, children were taught that homosexuality was not merely natural, but a moral duty. They were rewarded (with gay sex, usually) for turning stubbornly hetero parents over to the Inquisitors for trial and punishment. In order to wring confessions from these sexual heretics, the Inquisitors wouldn't hesitate to use such diabolical tortures as the Reacharound, the Trombone, and the Dirty Sanchez.

Citizens who insisted that they'd rather fight than swish were told "Denial ain't just a river in the land of the Mamluks," before being handed over to the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence. This was a shadowy order of zealots charged with a dreadful mission: to promote a healthy, self-respecting spirit of gay pride, by any means necessary. A few brave souls stayed "in the closet" to the bitter end, but most victims of the Sisters' ministrations ended up as gay as Dickie's hatband.

In 1565, Pedro "Bam Bam" Menendez de Aviles set sail for the New World, under the Rainbow Flag; his goal was to establish a gay resort at St. Augustine, Florida. However, the crew's addiction to same-sex orgies left the ship unmanned a good deal of the time, with the result that it drifted aimlessly in the Atlantic for several years.

Spain's decadent utopia came to an end in 1574. The dead-butch Moors, who'd been forced to leave Spain when they refused to embrace the gay lifestyle, saw their chance and invaded. The Spaniards, of course, were far too faggy to put up a fight. As a result, the Muslim hordes seized Spain, and imposed an Islamofascist regime. This regime soon spread to the rest of the world, plunging every civilization on earth into the eternal night of Dhimmitude.
It's not that far-fetched, ya gotta admit. All things considered, I'd say we we got off fairly easy.

you went too far with the dirty sanchez.
That story was like so totally gay.
We did opine and report on WWII the way we do now VD. It's just that dioxin and other cool stuff we used to bleach paper made it fall apart after a few years. trying going to the library and checking out the microfiche. I know, it's hard work.

And perhaps a hat tip to the Sisters, or even a picture.
Wow. That hits all the winger's hidden fears all at once. Were the Mooslems at any point carrying cucumbers, or perhaps short blunt swords?
See? This is exactly the problem with the internets. They're too fucking mean...

Actually, Mamluks.

And perhaps a hat tip to the Sisters, or even a picture.

The hell with that...those guys are fags!
dread pirate roberts said...
you went too far with the dirty sanchez.

You know, you'd be amazed how often I hear that...
¡Mamelukes ees funny!

Always taking up the whole couch, or putting hees cabeza gigante eento the icecream vendor's truck.

¡and he ees too beeg! joo can no stop heem!

¡Oh Mamelukes!
Mama, mama, won't you mameluk all night long?
A mistake -- you made a mistake!!

There weren't no dollar bills in Spain!!!
There weren't no dollar bills in Spain!!!

Well, that's what made them so queer.
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